New Year’s Resolutions:  Five Tips to Make the Most of Them

By Barbara Flor, Ed.S., LPC

As we prepare for the New Year, many of us will declare one or more New Year’s Resolutions.  The rest of us will refuse to partake in this long-standing tradition, knowing that, statistically speaking, those resolutions are often abandoned by February 1, or earlier.

I am not one to make New Year’s Resolutions, but I understand the popularity of them.  The New Year provides us with a chance for positive experiences, hope that things can and will change for the better, and a feeling of optimism for the future.  Positive thinking, hope and optimism – all components of a more resilient life.

In general, resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity, to emerge from difficult times, not only intact, but also better and stronger from the experience. There is great clinical interest in helping children and adults develop resilience.  Likewise, there are many studies on how best to do this.

Below, I summarize five traits, which if acquired, are thought to help us develop a more resilient personality.  If you are making a resolution, you may want to base this year’s on one of the five traits.  You may also want to encourage your children to work towards building these traits as well.

1. Positive thinking – Is your glass half full, or half empty? Finding the positives in most situations is shown to increase happiness, lessen depression and helps you enjoy all life has to offer.  Who doesn’t want that?
2. Emotion regulation – Do you lose your temper easily and often?  Cry uncontrollably?  Do your emotions interfere with effective daily functioning and interpersonal relationships?  Learn and practice strategies to gain control of your emotions.  It can be done.
3. Healthy coping strategies – How do you react when things don’t go as planned? Do you let your anger get the best of you or are you able to stay calm and utilize strategies to help you navigate difficult situations?
4. Problem solving and conflict resolution skills – Are you an effective problem solver or do you act impulsively and make the situation worse?  Effective problem solving and conflict resolution can be taught and learned.  Make it a priority.
5. Support system – This is important, even if it consists of just one caring, stable person.  It’s crucial to have someone you can lean on, who you can go to when you’re going through a rough patch.  Do you have this in your life?  Could you be this person in someone else’s life?

Whether you decide to make a resolution or not, I wish you a very happy, healthy, resilient New Year!

Helping Your Child Understand Tragedy

By Barbara Flor, Ed.S.

Licensed Professional Counselor

December 14, 2012

As we all watch in sadness, bewilderment and horror the news from Connecticut on the senseless school shooting, we may feel the need to hug our children a little tighter and do our best to keep them safe.  But how do we allay their fears and keep them from being traumatized by these upsetting world events.  Here are some tips that may help:

• Assure your child of his or her safety at home, at school, and other places he or she may visit regularly.   Let your child know what you and others have done and are doing to keep him or her safe.
• Maintain regular home and school routines to support the process of recovery and to convey the message of normalization.
• Don’t feel like you have to talk about the event.  If your kids aren’t interested in talking and they don’t seem upset by the situation, you don’t have to push the issue.
• If your child brings it up, it’s fine to talk about it, but do so in age-appropriate terms and don’t give more information then necessary. Tell your child what he or she needs to know, not everything that you know.
• Keep the TV-watching to a minimum and monitor the information your kids are receiving.  If your children are exposed to traumatic images, Fred Rogers of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood was quoted as saying  we should help them “look for all the people who are helping”.   Focus on the helpers and the way communities come together to offer support to one another.
• Kids who have experienced trauma in their past may be more likely to be upset by any trauma.
• It’s important that a parent not pass on their own fears to their children.  Limit your displays of intense emotion.  Your children will feel more secure if you are in control.
• Recognize that there are some feelings that we can only understand and perhaps share, but not fix.  And that’s okay.  It’s enough for us to be there for our children even though we may not have all the answers.
• Most importantly, remember to take care of yourself.  If you are overwhelmed and emotional, it will be more difficult to provide support and stability for your child.

If your child is exhibiting extreme changes in behavior, difficulty sleeping, or other unusual symptoms, be sure to contact your doctor or mental health professional for a complete evaluation.

For more resources, please click here to see information provided by the National Association of School Psychologists (NASP).

5 Things We Can All Learn From Fifty Shades of Grey

     As a counselor, a mom of two college-age daughters, and a woman who is a huge fan of women’s empowerment, I was ambivalent about reading Fifty Shades of Grey, by E.L. James.  But I couldn’t resist all the hype and, to be honest, I was more than a little curious.

Needless to say, I had mixed feelings throughout the book – torn by the counselor in me wanting to keep reading to find out what had damaged this boy so deeply, the mom in me who wanted Ana to get away, far away, from Christian Grey, and the woman in me who enjoyed the sexy “beach read”.

As I look back on the book, I realize it contains life lessons for all of us, and not just concerning sex.  The 5 things I believe we can all learn from Fifty Shades of Grey:

1. Know our soft limits.  Christian presents Ana with a contract she is to sign before beginning her relationship with him.  She must include in the contract a list of her “soft limits”, the things she is willing to do, but isn’t crazy about.  We all have soft limits and we should be aware of them and make them known.  For instance, I’m not a fan of fast food restaurants.  However, if I’m with a friend or family member and they really want to stop at one and eat, I’ll oblige.  I’m sure you can think of many things that are soft limits for you.
2. Know our hard limits and stick to them.  In the above-mentioned contract, Ana also needs to include her “hard limits”.  These are the things she absolutely, without exception, will not do.  Hard limits are a necessity for all of us.  We all need to set boundaries in many areas of our lives and we need to be prepared to enforce them.  Of course, most of us would set hard limits on legal and moral breeches, but we also need to set them on how much we are willing to do for others before we are completely burned out.  You’ve heard it before – we need to learn to say “No!”  Saying no becomes easier if you know, and make known, your hard limits in advance.  It’s similar to Dr. Phil’s famous phrase, “We teach people how to treat us”.
3. Have a safe word.  Having a safe word is crucial.  It allows us to stick to those soft and hard limits.  Maybe you need to set one with your kids to let them know when you’re about to lose your temper; or your husband when you’ve just had one of those days and it would be dangerous for him do anything that doesn’t involve chocolate.  You get the idea.
4. Money doesn’t buy happiness.  Christian Grey has more money than God.  He lives the life we all dream about, fancy cars with a driver, private planes at his beck and call, employees who do whatever he wants, whenever he wants it, but he is not happy.  He is the victim of a horrendously bad childhood and all the money in the world can’t fix that.  Love is the only thing that truly makes Mr. Grey happy.  Love for himself, for others, and in return.
5.  Never give up your freedom and independence to anyone.  The moment Ana does this the relationship is over.  Through much trial and error Ana and Christian realize that equal is better.  Having one person submissive to the other doesn’t make anyone really happy or fulfilled, at least not for the long haul.

If you haven’t read the book yet, I’m not suggesting you do, that is a personal decision.  But do remember the 5 tips above.  As they say in the book, “Laters, Baby!”

What if the Here and Now Stinks?

     We hear it often, the past is over, the future isn’t here yet, enjoy now, stay in the moment, be mindful of the here and now.  But what if the here and now stinks?  What if you hate where you are right now and the only thing that gets you through the day is knowing that someday, hopefully soon, things will get better?

I love the idea behind the “It Gets Better” video campaigns aimed at helping LGBTQ teens.  The videos feature short segments featuring celebrities, influential people and other LGBTQ adults, telling our youth that they know how hard it is now.  They have been there and they have come through it and now experience happiness and success in their lives.  Their message is, “Hang in there.  It gets better.”

I think we all go through times in our lives when we could benefit from this message.  We all sometimes need to hear that it will get better.  But instead we are often told to stay where we are, to live in the moment.

I understand where this message comes from and realize at times we may need to stay with the pain to alleviate it or stay in the moment to appreciate it.  I have certainly been guilty of not appreciating moments in my life, only to realize they were over and I failed to hold on to them and enjoy them as I wish I had.  Because of this, I have learned to stay in the moment, when the moment is good.  But who wants to stick around when the going gets tough?  Why would I want to stay in a place that is painful and depressing?  I don’t.  I want to plan my escape.

It is at these times when it’s okay to revisit the past.  We need to remember how we’ve overcome previous obstacles to get to a better future.  We need to learn from our mistakes and our successes.  Our past does have value and purpose, we just need to be sure we allow it to be valuable and purposeful.  It’s okay to plan for the future as well.  It is often this planning that gives us hope and the power to get up each morning and continue on.

As Sigourney Weaver says in the television series, Political Animals, on the USA network,  “Most of life is hell: Dreams don’t work out, hearts get broken, people let you down, but you won’t get to the next great moment if you don’t keep going. So that’s what I do. I keep going.”  That’s what we all need to do during those rough patches – we need to keep going.  And the best way to keep going is to have a plan, a goal, a road map, so we know where we are going.  We need to go forward and with purpose.  That is how we get through those rough patches, those times when we simply cannot bear to stay in the here and now.  When we get to that next great moment, which we will, that’s when we can bask in the glory, stay in the moment, and enjoy the here and now.